(Review/MST) Jeff The Killer
Mar. 11th, 2017 02:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katiebiiirdYou know what I've come to realize? That most Creepypastas that are popular or have characters that are considered "mascots" for the fandom are complete shit. Yes, I am looking at you, Jeff The Killer, Tails Doll, and Sonic.exe.
To support this point, I think I may run some reviews on certain stories from Creepypasta. Obviously, not all of them I'm going to like. In fact, there will be a few that I'll probably slam into the dirt. Once again, yes, I am looking at you, Jeff, Tails Doll, and Sonic.exe.
I do intend to run some reviews on ones that I've actually enjoyed. Ben Drowned was great, and I admit that I can see how a lot of people like it. Psychosis was awesome. In fact, that might be my favorite.
See, I'm not hating on the stories in general. There are just certain ones that have become super popular that frankly, I don't even know how their existence is tolerated.
That being said, I think that we should just save ourselves a lot of beating around the bush and just jump straight to a story that definitely does not deserve the fame it has accumulated. That being said, yes, I am prepared to be screamed at by freakishly protective fangirls.
Jeff the Killer.
Oh boy. Where do I even begin?
I guess I should start by saying that when I first saw the picture, it freaked me out. I'm not going to lie. The picture did cause me to genuinely freak out for quite a while, and it did so enough that I was afraid to even touch the story.
At some point a few years ago, I finally got up the nerve to read it. I was, in a word, disappointed.
The picture is the creepiest thing about Jeff, and after reading the story, I feel more annoyed than creeped out whenever I see it. That probably isn't very fair of me since my understanding is that the picture was created before the story, and then not even by the same person. However, if there's one thing that ruined the effect that the original designer's work had on me, it's that damn story.
Jeff the Killer suffers from MANY problems, including but not limited to, awkward changes in tense, awkward transitions, poor characterization, every character having the "too stupid to live" syndrome, little to no research on the part of the author.
Before any of you come up to me saying "it's a fictional story so the facts shouldn't matter", I'll tell you something. In fiction, fact most certainly does matter. Do you think that Percy Jackson would have been even half as good as it was if Rick Riordan only knew the names of some gods and monsters, chopped up that knowledge, and stirred it into a story?
You know what lack of fact and logic in fiction gives us?
Yeah, you better believe I went there.
I will grant you that certain instances in fiction which can make one suspend their disbelief, but there is a very broad line between suspended disbelief and "what even is this bullshit that I'm reading?".
Without further ado, I present you with a genuinely Crappypasta that somehow made its way onto the Creepypasta website.
Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
I know the point of keeping the location vague was probably to make the reader feel like this could affect them no matter where they are. However, first sentence and we already have something that is just not working. In fact. it makes it look like the author doesn't know their own material because they can't tell us where this all happened.
OMINOUS UNKNOWN
KILLER IS STILL
AT LARGE.
The author really likes the word "ominous". I believe we'll see it at least twice in this newspaper interview, then maybe twice more in the actual story. Frankly, I think the author just heard this word one day and liked the way it sounded. Technically, this isn't incorrect usage of the word "ominous", but it reads awkwardly since "ominous" is usually used to describe and atmosphere, not a person.
Ominous Description: 1
After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story.
Once again, the vagueness makes the author look like s/he honestly doesn't know anything about their own story. Unless the name of the witness was purposefully off the record because of parental concern, I don't see any reason for it not to be stated in the article.
"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. terwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.
I see several things wrong with this. One, the paper says this is a "young boy". Raise your hand if you've ever heard a young boy talk like this. In fact, raise your hand if you've ever heard anyone speak out loud like this. This doesn't sound like a statement someone would give. Especially after nearly being killed. I wouldn't think that a person would be so eloquent about his killer's appearance after a traumatic experience. Especially a YOUNG boy.
Also, if you remember closing the window, wouldn't it make sense to actually look around the room before going straight back to bed?
Ominous Description: 2
"He said, 'Go To Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the police.
Once again, I'm wondering how old this "young boy" is. Jeff is about thirteen according to the story. The phrase "young boy" makes me think of someone who's twelve at the oldest. So how the hell did someone that age put up a decent fight against someone who's at least a year older and as we'll later learn, is apparently Superman? This is either a really buff little boy, or Jeff is just complete wuss. I'll go with the latter since we get evidence within the story that he's not wimpy enough to be owned by a nine year old.
"They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."
Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.
Finally, we're through this monologue that sounds unnatural for anyone. Also, last I checked, a house should have a driveway, not a parking lot. Awkward phrasing, much?
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.
Here we have the first in a series of jumpy, awkward transitions. There is nothing in between the article and this. It just jumps back in time. The tense change isn't any less subtle than the shift in scenery. While this does make sense, considering that we are back in time now, it could've been handled better.
Then we have a major peeve of mine about this story. For some reason, I think I've only seen one other person acknowledge it. Liu is a Chinese name. Now, if Jeff in his family were Chinese-American, I might get this. However, there's no reference to the family having anything to do with China. From that perspective, Liu seems incredibly out of place here since the rest of the family has English names. It really looks like the author just threw it in because they thought it sounded cool. Unless it's an alternative spelling of "Louie" or something, which is equally as stupid.
At least the author knows to make a new paragraph with dialogue, but otherwise they just seem lost. The sentence "As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by" seems tacked on. The focus was on the house and the neighborhood, and now we're talking about unpacking and neighbors without a sense of any transition. I guess I should just get used to this or it's going to be a very long ride...
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 1
"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard.
Unnecessary semicolon is unnecessary.
"She turns around". Ladies and gents, I give you the first of our awkward tense changes with no rhyme or reason.
Why So Tense?: 1
I know I cannot be the only one to have noticed that this story got a whole lot less descriptive when it transitioned from the present to the past.
Also, description of the dialogue rather than dialogue itself is a major peeve of mine. "Billy said hi".
Billy's action should have it's own paragraph, as it is separate from that of his mother's.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 2
"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.
I never understood why half of the dialogue in this story is a description of the dialogue in this story. Honestly, the author goes from quotation marks and people speaking to "their mother said that they would love to"! This would read badly even if it wasn't done like this, but since it is it's clunky AND it reads badly.
Why so Tense?: 2
"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid."
Excuse me, young man. You are thirteen years old. As far as I'm concerned you ARE a kid. It's like what I'm always telling my friend, "You know you're growing up when you watch The Little Mermaid and Ariel says 'I'm 16! I'm not a child!' and your response is 'Yes you are, young lady!'"
"Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.
Actually, I have to contradict that statement. All my neighbors are dicks, and I dislike them. We're talking about "four wheeler through my mom's garden" kind of dicks.
I don't see why they invited them to the party anyway. Even in the South, which is pretty well known for being fairly friendly, I don't think we'd invite a neighbor to our son's birthday party at the drop of a hat. Especially once it became apparent that their children were so much older than the others at the party. We'd assume they'd get bored.
I'd like to point out that we have description of what is being said without dialogue, and yet when we actually need description we get "a weird feeling". It's actually kind of insulting that the author passes off Jeff's mental instability as just a strange feeling. Mental instability should be characterized by a person's train of thought as well as their actions. We see nothing of what makes him think the way he's feeling is weird, or what out of place thought's he's having. Instead, we just get "a weird feeling".
Also, as we'll see later on, his disorder is very convenient and only pops up when he needs to do something that the author thinks is cool.
How about we look at some GOOD examples of insane characters?
Both of whom come from stories that I would much rather be reading right now.
If Jeff's mental stability was fragile enough to be compromised by something as small as having to go to a neighbor's party, I'd assume this had been going on for a while. This passage makes it seem like the mental illness was just something that slammed him all of a sudden, which isn't how these things work. Most of them start out, then they gradually get worse without treatment for the longer they go on.
I really don't think that the author has any idea exactly what kind of mental illness this kid has. I don't believe I'm familiar with one that causes prolonged instances of horrible description. If he's supposed to be a psychopath, then this is a very poor representation of it. I'd suggest you look up the actual characteristics of a psychopath. Here's a hint, they're not what most people think they are.
Research Is For Losers: 1
There are about three changes in topic in this one paragraph. Dear author, you get a triple count for that.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 5
The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"
A slight tugging pain? From something wrong with you mentally? Unless it's all in his head, you need to do more research. I mean yes, there can be physical reactions to mental issues. When I'm incredibly anxious, my chest hurts, but this is obviously being used as a very poor representation to show that he's triggered by something.
Research Is For Losers: 2
"As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop"? I'd assume that they were eating Poptarts as they walked of something, but it's been established that they were sitting at the table eating. In a change of topic within a paragraph no less.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 6
Inches above their laps? Now, I'm not going to say that this is the part that's impossible, because it isn't. However, it seems very likely that when you have two kids sitting on a bench with their legs and backs forming close to a ninety degree angle, it seems unlikely that another kid on a skateboard could jump over them without running into one or both of them in the torso, face, or shoulder. Excuse me while I picture Jeff and his not-Chinese brother being knocked off a bench by a kamikaze skateboarder.
The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.
Why So Tense: 3
"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling.
"New Meat"? Really? Did these three just crawl straight out of a bad movie or something? When does any bully talk like this? I mean, yes, they are rude, but the majority of them do not spout cliched crap like this. They sound like they were on their way to film Christine and wandered onto the wrong set.
Let's count off our cliches here. Overly dramatic, unnatural sounding taunts? Check? The fat one, the skinny one, and the average one? Check.
"And I," said the first kid, "am Randy. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down.
Alright, really? Who the hell is letting these twelve-year-olds run around with knives? I thought this was supposed to be an upscale neighborhood, now I'm not sure! Is this a fancy neighborhood, or are they in Soc Town?
Once again, what person speaks like this? We have the "eloquent young boy" syndrome going on again. The only difference is that now it's drifting between a Bond villain and that kid from Bridge to Terabithia who kept using "dead meat" as an insult.
Burning? If you don't take it literally, it might be an alright description. Maybe he was burning with rage. I'm taking it literally because it was said before that he felt physical pain.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 7
"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.
WHERE ARE THESE KIDS GETTING THESE KNIVES! WHY HASN'T ANYONE REPORTED A BUNCH OF MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS RUNNING AROUND WITH DEADLY OBJECTS?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 8
"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. As he fell, he puked all over. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.
Really? He grabbed his wrist and broke it? You know, human beings have two hands, right? It's probably possible to assume that Randy didn't lash out with his other hand while Jeff was holding that one, but very improbable. These three have obviously been in some trouble before, and I'd assume by now they'd know that you shouldn't let the other guy grab your wrist because it's a very vulnerable position.
Just pointing this out, guys, but if you really want to break someone's hold on your wrist, twist your arm until their own wrist bends uncomfortably and it'll loosen the grip enough for you to snatch away.
ALSO TWO OF THEM HAD KNIVES SO WAS THE OTHER ONE JUST STANDING THERE LIKE "UHHHH... WHILE JEFF BROKE HIS FRIEND'S WRIST?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 8
"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.
Why would they assume they would be blamed? The bus driver should be pretty well aware of what happened. I'm sure he's seen them at least once since Randy said everyone pays their fare. Logically, the three attackers should be charged with assault. Of course, if you haven't figured it out already, there's nothing logical about this story.
Finally, a description that makes sense. He wanted to hurt someone. I'm still docking points since the author still makes it seem like the condition crashed down on him all at once, and makes this out to be a very on-again off-again thing.
You get another triple count for this entire mess of cat poo.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 11
Ominous Description: 3
"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true.
Who even calls their son "son" anymore? Especially when hearing that he just stabbed some kids?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 12
"Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu."
"Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu.
"Son, you have issues."
Um, these are some really shitty cops if they function like this. I believe the law is "innocent until proven guilty", so there would be an investigation and likely a trial. It's easy enough to tell that Jeff's prints are on the knife, as well as Randy's.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: Lucky 13
"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.
"Son, I don't remember either of your names. So, son, can you please call down that other kid who lives with us?"
"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.
Why So Tense: 4
"Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..."
I take it back, they ARE shitty cops. There's no investigation or trial. It's just "I saw you so I must be true". YAY, CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS!
Research Is For Losers: 3
"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.
"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.
Really though? How? Are they self inflicted? Because I'm pretty sure it's possible to tell that they are self inflicted. I guarantee you, these cops won't check. They are shitty cops, after all. They should both be fired.
"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 14
"No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face.
I'm probably supposed to care that this is happening, but given that Jeff and every other character here have the character development of a plastic bag, I really don't.
Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The police led Liu out to the patrol car.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge this as one of the worst lines of dialogue I've ever read.
"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders.
"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop." Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 18
Good lord, at least one in every line and two in the last section!
Why So Tense?: 5
So mom doesn't call dad and tell her that one of their sons had been shipped off without a trial? I'm pretty sure they had cell phones when this takes place.
"Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.
Well, it sure didn't take her long to get over her son being shipped off.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 21
"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.
"What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake.
Why So Tense?: 6
"Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake.
"Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after..." There was a long pause.
"Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party?
I'm sure this is supposed to be Jeff's mother trying to be strong and supportive, but she's really just coming off as ditzy and uncaring.
Jeff, for once we agree on something. Why would you wear a dress or a suit to a six-year-old's birthday.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 23
"Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom.
"Better than wearing too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 24
"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.
Oh yes, it says "I'm stuffy and I think too highly of myself"! Perfect impression!
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 25
"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs.
"Just pick out something." called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.
Because a hoodie just screams "classy".
I'd like to know why his parents didn't check to make sure the boys had something to wear beforehand. They obviously knew they were going to dress up, so it's not like it was a last minute call or anything.
"You're wearing that?" they both said. His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.
"Well shit, mom. It's not my fault! I wasn't aware we were going to have tea with the queen!"
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 26
"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara.
Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.
"Hey. Wanna pway?" he said.
This is the worst speech portrayal I've ever seen. Generally, I don't like typed accents to begin with. Hagrid is an exception because he is boss. Kid, don't talk to me. You will never be Hagrid.
"Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face.
"Pwease?" said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred.
I'm not even going to count, this automatically gets a five count.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 31
Once again, how high can these kids jump on skateboards? I understand if you're actually at a park and there's a ramp that gives you some momentum, but this is a flat sidewalk! Another thing, isn't one of them overweight? How did HE get over the fence?
"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to JDC."
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 33
How is this even? You're surprisingly calm about this for a very violent, angry boy. I'm not big or strong, but if they got my brother shipped off with the idiot cops, I'd rip them all new holes!
Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today." As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.
NOW THEY HAVE GUNS? WHERE ARE THE TWELVE YEAR OLD KIDS GETTING ALL THE DANGEROUS OBJECTS?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 36
"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.
Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Troy grabbed him.
"Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood.
Cough up blood? We have some anime logic going on here. No matter where the wound is, some blood will always come out of the mouth. I'd understand his nose bleeding if he was kicked in the face, but coughing up blood? Really? Margret, I think your son has some serious organ damage.
And isn't Troy the really fat one? Of course the out of shape kid would be the one to lift an entire human being and throw them.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 41
Why So Tense?: 8
"Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff's head.
Concussion?
Why to you have alcohol randomly sitting out in an accessible place at a kid's party?
"Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room.
"Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. "I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!" Jeff starts to get up.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 43
Why So Tense?: 11
"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop. As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies
I honestly am not sure where I should start with this one.
First off, why do we need a reminder that Jeff isn't stable?
Second, how is the kid who had enough internal damage to cough up blood pile driving a larger, and obviously less damaged human being? I understand adrenaline, but this seems way too far-fetched. So does the heart stopping thing. I think it is possible to make someone's heart stop for a second, but to permanently shut down? Hell no! And is the blood coming out of his nose or what? Where it all this blood gushing out of his body coming from, exactly?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 45
Why so Tense?: 14
Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see's the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.
I waited until this long to point it out, but in case you haven't noticed, the adults have been doing nothing about the kids with guns, the boy coughing up blood, and the murder occurring. Oh, they've been there, but they've just kind of been standing there and spectating.
"Dude, did you see that?" "Cool! I've never seen someone die before!"
I'm just not going to do a tense change count now. It looks like we've switched to present permanently for some reason.
Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.
A thing of bleach? I was unaware that I could get bleach in a "thing". What is this "thing" you speak of? How much bleach does a "thing" hold?
Now here we are at one of the many points that makes me go ape-shit. It would take three seconds to Google if bleach can burn you. Apparently, the author was too lazy to do that, because the truth is, it can only burn you if it's on your skin for a while. I wouldn't advise drinking it, but it's pretty harmless contact as long as it's removed. I'm not sure about the industrial stuff, but hey, what family keeps a container of industrial, flesh-burning bleach open and in a place where it could fall on somebody's head?
Research Is For Losers: 4
Ominous Description: 4
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 47
"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol." Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out.
Here's another instance of the author doing no research. Once again, it would have taken five seconds to Google "is bleach flammable". No, it isn't. Bleach is a water-based product and therefore you have about as much chance of setting it on fire as you have of burning out one of the great lakes!
I have never heard of bleach turning someone's skin white. Ever.
Research Is For Losers: 6
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 49
Why So Tense: 15
I spoke too soon about the tenses.
When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.
"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 50
"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go." This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again."
Oh look, the concerned mother is being ditzy and uncaring again! It really sounds like Jeff is a secondary priority compared to Liu coming home. While I can understand being happy about this, I'd think she'd want to prioritize her son who was nearly burned to death.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 52
Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.
Why So Tense?: 16
"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face.
Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face.
Well, he was set on fire, so I bet he looks something like this:
"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.
Why So Tense?: 17
Nope! I'm not really sure how realistic Freddy is, but I know he's a hell of a lot better than you! The thing that pisses me off the most about this is the hair. Hair is very flammable. If your hair caught on fire, it should not be black! It should be gone!
Research Is For Losers: 7
"Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..."
"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand twitching.
"Uh... Jeff, are you okay?"
"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know.
Why do we need to be reminded of this? It's not like it happened that long ago.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 53
"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?"
"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test."
"That sounds like a load of horseshit to me, doc."
"Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go."
Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.
"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.
The hospital is now a tailor as well, and somehow Jeff's clothes weren't burned despite him being on fire!
Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.
"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother.
That's all? She sounds so unconcerned about this. There's no "OH MY GOD", just "what are you doing". It's like she walked in on him drawing a picture. "Hi, honey! What are you doing?"
Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.
I'd think that slicing your face open would hurt more.
"Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing.
"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face." Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?
If you burn your eyelids, there's very little chance that you're going to come away with no damage to your eyeballs. Also, the function of eyelids is to protect the eyes and keep them clean. If Jeff got rid of his eyelids, he must either be blind by now, or have some really shitty eyesight. He's not that threatening either way. Just poke them if he gets too close.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 54
"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we..." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife.
"Get the gun, Pa! Our son just sliced his face open! Let's put him down!" Ah, the motherly love.
"Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them.
His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 56
"Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep."
Final Tally:
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 56
Research Is For Losers: 7
Ominous Description: 4
Why So Tense: 18
Grade:
Originality: 2/10 (Just because this was the template all the rip-offs are based on.)
Grammar: 1/10
Pacing: 0/10
Scare Factor: 0/10
Final Thoughts:
To support this point, I think I may run some reviews on certain stories from Creepypasta. Obviously, not all of them I'm going to like. In fact, there will be a few that I'll probably slam into the dirt. Once again, yes, I am looking at you, Jeff, Tails Doll, and Sonic.exe.
I do intend to run some reviews on ones that I've actually enjoyed. Ben Drowned was great, and I admit that I can see how a lot of people like it. Psychosis was awesome. In fact, that might be my favorite.
See, I'm not hating on the stories in general. There are just certain ones that have become super popular that frankly, I don't even know how their existence is tolerated.
That being said, I think that we should just save ourselves a lot of beating around the bush and just jump straight to a story that definitely does not deserve the fame it has accumulated. That being said, yes, I am prepared to be screamed at by freakishly protective fangirls.
Jeff the Killer.
Oh boy. Where do I even begin?
I guess I should start by saying that when I first saw the picture, it freaked me out. I'm not going to lie. The picture did cause me to genuinely freak out for quite a while, and it did so enough that I was afraid to even touch the story.
At some point a few years ago, I finally got up the nerve to read it. I was, in a word, disappointed.
The picture is the creepiest thing about Jeff, and after reading the story, I feel more annoyed than creeped out whenever I see it. That probably isn't very fair of me since my understanding is that the picture was created before the story, and then not even by the same person. However, if there's one thing that ruined the effect that the original designer's work had on me, it's that damn story.
Jeff the Killer suffers from MANY problems, including but not limited to, awkward changes in tense, awkward transitions, poor characterization, every character having the "too stupid to live" syndrome, little to no research on the part of the author.
Before any of you come up to me saying "it's a fictional story so the facts shouldn't matter", I'll tell you something. In fiction, fact most certainly does matter. Do you think that Percy Jackson would have been even half as good as it was if Rick Riordan only knew the names of some gods and monsters, chopped up that knowledge, and stirred it into a story?
You know what lack of fact and logic in fiction gives us?
Yeah, you better believe I went there.
I will grant you that certain instances in fiction which can make one suspend their disbelief, but there is a very broad line between suspended disbelief and "what even is this bullshit that I'm reading?".
Without further ado, I present you with a genuinely Crappypasta that somehow made its way onto the Creepypasta website.
Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
I know the point of keeping the location vague was probably to make the reader feel like this could affect them no matter where they are. However, first sentence and we already have something that is just not working. In fact. it makes it look like the author doesn't know their own material because they can't tell us where this all happened.
OMINOUS UNKNOWN
KILLER IS STILL
AT LARGE.
The author really likes the word "ominous". I believe we'll see it at least twice in this newspaper interview, then maybe twice more in the actual story. Frankly, I think the author just heard this word one day and liked the way it sounded. Technically, this isn't incorrect usage of the word "ominous", but it reads awkwardly since "ominous" is usually used to describe and atmosphere, not a person.
Ominous Description: 1
After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story.
Once again, the vagueness makes the author look like s/he honestly doesn't know anything about their own story. Unless the name of the witness was purposefully off the record because of parental concern, I don't see any reason for it not to be stated in the article.
"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. terwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.
I see several things wrong with this. One, the paper says this is a "young boy". Raise your hand if you've ever heard a young boy talk like this. In fact, raise your hand if you've ever heard anyone speak out loud like this. This doesn't sound like a statement someone would give. Especially after nearly being killed. I wouldn't think that a person would be so eloquent about his killer's appearance after a traumatic experience. Especially a YOUNG boy.
Also, if you remember closing the window, wouldn't it make sense to actually look around the room before going straight back to bed?
Ominous Description: 2
"He said, 'Go To Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the police.
Once again, I'm wondering how old this "young boy" is. Jeff is about thirteen according to the story. The phrase "young boy" makes me think of someone who's twelve at the oldest. So how the hell did someone that age put up a decent fight against someone who's at least a year older and as we'll later learn, is apparently Superman? This is either a really buff little boy, or Jeff is just complete wuss. I'll go with the latter since we get evidence within the story that he's not wimpy enough to be owned by a nine year old.
"They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."
Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.
Finally, we're through this monologue that sounds unnatural for anyone. Also, last I checked, a house should have a driveway, not a parking lot. Awkward phrasing, much?
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.
Here we have the first in a series of jumpy, awkward transitions. There is nothing in between the article and this. It just jumps back in time. The tense change isn't any less subtle than the shift in scenery. While this does make sense, considering that we are back in time now, it could've been handled better.
Then we have a major peeve of mine about this story. For some reason, I think I've only seen one other person acknowledge it. Liu is a Chinese name. Now, if Jeff in his family were Chinese-American, I might get this. However, there's no reference to the family having anything to do with China. From that perspective, Liu seems incredibly out of place here since the rest of the family has English names. It really looks like the author just threw it in because they thought it sounded cool. Unless it's an alternative spelling of "Louie" or something, which is equally as stupid.
At least the author knows to make a new paragraph with dialogue, but otherwise they just seem lost. The sentence "As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by" seems tacked on. The focus was on the house and the neighborhood, and now we're talking about unpacking and neighbors without a sense of any transition. I guess I should just get used to this or it's going to be a very long ride...
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 1
"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard.
Unnecessary semicolon is unnecessary.
"She turns around". Ladies and gents, I give you the first of our awkward tense changes with no rhyme or reason.
Why So Tense?: 1
I know I cannot be the only one to have noticed that this story got a whole lot less descriptive when it transitioned from the present to the past.
Also, description of the dialogue rather than dialogue itself is a major peeve of mine. "Billy said hi".
Billy's action should have it's own paragraph, as it is separate from that of his mother's.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 2
"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.
I never understood why half of the dialogue in this story is a description of the dialogue in this story. Honestly, the author goes from quotation marks and people speaking to "their mother said that they would love to"! This would read badly even if it wasn't done like this, but since it is it's clunky AND it reads badly.
Why so Tense?: 2
"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid."
Excuse me, young man. You are thirteen years old. As far as I'm concerned you ARE a kid. It's like what I'm always telling my friend, "You know you're growing up when you watch The Little Mermaid and Ariel says 'I'm 16! I'm not a child!' and your response is 'Yes you are, young lady!'"
"Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.
Actually, I have to contradict that statement. All my neighbors are dicks, and I dislike them. We're talking about "four wheeler through my mom's garden" kind of dicks.
I don't see why they invited them to the party anyway. Even in the South, which is pretty well known for being fairly friendly, I don't think we'd invite a neighbor to our son's birthday party at the drop of a hat. Especially once it became apparent that their children were so much older than the others at the party. We'd assume they'd get bored.
I'd like to point out that we have description of what is being said without dialogue, and yet when we actually need description we get "a weird feeling". It's actually kind of insulting that the author passes off Jeff's mental instability as just a strange feeling. Mental instability should be characterized by a person's train of thought as well as their actions. We see nothing of what makes him think the way he's feeling is weird, or what out of place thought's he's having. Instead, we just get "a weird feeling".
Also, as we'll see later on, his disorder is very convenient and only pops up when he needs to do something that the author thinks is cool.
How about we look at some GOOD examples of insane characters?
Both of whom come from stories that I would much rather be reading right now.
If Jeff's mental stability was fragile enough to be compromised by something as small as having to go to a neighbor's party, I'd assume this had been going on for a while. This passage makes it seem like the mental illness was just something that slammed him all of a sudden, which isn't how these things work. Most of them start out, then they gradually get worse without treatment for the longer they go on.
I really don't think that the author has any idea exactly what kind of mental illness this kid has. I don't believe I'm familiar with one that causes prolonged instances of horrible description. If he's supposed to be a psychopath, then this is a very poor representation of it. I'd suggest you look up the actual characteristics of a psychopath. Here's a hint, they're not what most people think they are.
Research Is For Losers: 1
There are about three changes in topic in this one paragraph. Dear author, you get a triple count for that.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 5
The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"
A slight tugging pain? From something wrong with you mentally? Unless it's all in his head, you need to do more research. I mean yes, there can be physical reactions to mental issues. When I'm incredibly anxious, my chest hurts, but this is obviously being used as a very poor representation to show that he's triggered by something.
Research Is For Losers: 2
"As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop"? I'd assume that they were eating Poptarts as they walked of something, but it's been established that they were sitting at the table eating. In a change of topic within a paragraph no less.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 6
Inches above their laps? Now, I'm not going to say that this is the part that's impossible, because it isn't. However, it seems very likely that when you have two kids sitting on a bench with their legs and backs forming close to a ninety degree angle, it seems unlikely that another kid on a skateboard could jump over them without running into one or both of them in the torso, face, or shoulder. Excuse me while I picture Jeff and his not-Chinese brother being knocked off a bench by a kamikaze skateboarder.
The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.
Why So Tense: 3
"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling.
"New Meat"? Really? Did these three just crawl straight out of a bad movie or something? When does any bully talk like this? I mean, yes, they are rude, but the majority of them do not spout cliched crap like this. They sound like they were on their way to film Christine and wandered onto the wrong set.
Let's count off our cliches here. Overly dramatic, unnatural sounding taunts? Check? The fat one, the skinny one, and the average one? Check.
"And I," said the first kid, "am Randy. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down.
Alright, really? Who the hell is letting these twelve-year-olds run around with knives? I thought this was supposed to be an upscale neighborhood, now I'm not sure! Is this a fancy neighborhood, or are they in Soc Town?
Once again, what person speaks like this? We have the "eloquent young boy" syndrome going on again. The only difference is that now it's drifting between a Bond villain and that kid from Bridge to Terabithia who kept using "dead meat" as an insult.
Burning? If you don't take it literally, it might be an alright description. Maybe he was burning with rage. I'm taking it literally because it was said before that he felt physical pain.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 7
"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.
WHERE ARE THESE KIDS GETTING THESE KNIVES! WHY HASN'T ANYONE REPORTED A BUNCH OF MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS RUNNING AROUND WITH DEADLY OBJECTS?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 8
"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. As he fell, he puked all over. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.
Really? He grabbed his wrist and broke it? You know, human beings have two hands, right? It's probably possible to assume that Randy didn't lash out with his other hand while Jeff was holding that one, but very improbable. These three have obviously been in some trouble before, and I'd assume by now they'd know that you shouldn't let the other guy grab your wrist because it's a very vulnerable position.
Just pointing this out, guys, but if you really want to break someone's hold on your wrist, twist your arm until their own wrist bends uncomfortably and it'll loosen the grip enough for you to snatch away.
ALSO TWO OF THEM HAD KNIVES SO WAS THE OTHER ONE JUST STANDING THERE LIKE "UHHHH... WHILE JEFF BROKE HIS FRIEND'S WRIST?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 8
"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.
Why would they assume they would be blamed? The bus driver should be pretty well aware of what happened. I'm sure he's seen them at least once since Randy said everyone pays their fare. Logically, the three attackers should be charged with assault. Of course, if you haven't figured it out already, there's nothing logical about this story.
Finally, a description that makes sense. He wanted to hurt someone. I'm still docking points since the author still makes it seem like the condition crashed down on him all at once, and makes this out to be a very on-again off-again thing.
You get another triple count for this entire mess of cat poo.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 11
Ominous Description: 3
"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true.
Who even calls their son "son" anymore? Especially when hearing that he just stabbed some kids?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 12
"Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu."
"Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu.
"Son, you have issues."
Um, these are some really shitty cops if they function like this. I believe the law is "innocent until proven guilty", so there would be an investigation and likely a trial. It's easy enough to tell that Jeff's prints are on the knife, as well as Randy's.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: Lucky 13
"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.
"Son, I don't remember either of your names. So, son, can you please call down that other kid who lives with us?"
"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.
Why So Tense: 4
"Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..."
I take it back, they ARE shitty cops. There's no investigation or trial. It's just "I saw you so I must be true". YAY, CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS!
Research Is For Losers: 3
"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.
"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.
Really though? How? Are they self inflicted? Because I'm pretty sure it's possible to tell that they are self inflicted. I guarantee you, these cops won't check. They are shitty cops, after all. They should both be fired.
"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 14
"No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face.
I'm probably supposed to care that this is happening, but given that Jeff and every other character here have the character development of a plastic bag, I really don't.
Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The police led Liu out to the patrol car.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge this as one of the worst lines of dialogue I've ever read.
"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders.
"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop." Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 18
Good lord, at least one in every line and two in the last section!
Why So Tense?: 5
So mom doesn't call dad and tell her that one of their sons had been shipped off without a trial? I'm pretty sure they had cell phones when this takes place.
"Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.
Well, it sure didn't take her long to get over her son being shipped off.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 21
"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.
"What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake.
Why So Tense?: 6
"Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake.
"Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after..." There was a long pause.
"Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party?
I'm sure this is supposed to be Jeff's mother trying to be strong and supportive, but she's really just coming off as ditzy and uncaring.
Jeff, for once we agree on something. Why would you wear a dress or a suit to a six-year-old's birthday.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 23
"Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom.
"Better than wearing too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 24
"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.
Oh yes, it says "I'm stuffy and I think too highly of myself"! Perfect impression!
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 25
"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs.
"Just pick out something." called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.
Because a hoodie just screams "classy".
I'd like to know why his parents didn't check to make sure the boys had something to wear beforehand. They obviously knew they were going to dress up, so it's not like it was a last minute call or anything.
"You're wearing that?" they both said. His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.
"Well shit, mom. It's not my fault! I wasn't aware we were going to have tea with the queen!"
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 26
"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara.
Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.
"Hey. Wanna pway?" he said.
This is the worst speech portrayal I've ever seen. Generally, I don't like typed accents to begin with. Hagrid is an exception because he is boss. Kid, don't talk to me. You will never be Hagrid.
"Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face.
"Pwease?" said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred.
I'm not even going to count, this automatically gets a five count.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 31
Once again, how high can these kids jump on skateboards? I understand if you're actually at a park and there's a ramp that gives you some momentum, but this is a flat sidewalk! Another thing, isn't one of them overweight? How did HE get over the fence?
"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to JDC."
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 33
How is this even? You're surprisingly calm about this for a very violent, angry boy. I'm not big or strong, but if they got my brother shipped off with the idiot cops, I'd rip them all new holes!
Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today." As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.
NOW THEY HAVE GUNS? WHERE ARE THE TWELVE YEAR OLD KIDS GETTING ALL THE DANGEROUS OBJECTS?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 36
"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.
Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Troy grabbed him.
"Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood.
Cough up blood? We have some anime logic going on here. No matter where the wound is, some blood will always come out of the mouth. I'd understand his nose bleeding if he was kicked in the face, but coughing up blood? Really? Margret, I think your son has some serious organ damage.
And isn't Troy the really fat one? Of course the out of shape kid would be the one to lift an entire human being and throw them.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 41
Why So Tense?: 8
"Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff's head.
Concussion?
Why to you have alcohol randomly sitting out in an accessible place at a kid's party?
"Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room.
"Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. "I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!" Jeff starts to get up.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 43
Why So Tense?: 11
"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop. As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies
I honestly am not sure where I should start with this one.
First off, why do we need a reminder that Jeff isn't stable?
Second, how is the kid who had enough internal damage to cough up blood pile driving a larger, and obviously less damaged human being? I understand adrenaline, but this seems way too far-fetched. So does the heart stopping thing. I think it is possible to make someone's heart stop for a second, but to permanently shut down? Hell no! And is the blood coming out of his nose or what? Where it all this blood gushing out of his body coming from, exactly?
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 45
Why so Tense?: 14
Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see's the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.
I waited until this long to point it out, but in case you haven't noticed, the adults have been doing nothing about the kids with guns, the boy coughing up blood, and the murder occurring. Oh, they've been there, but they've just kind of been standing there and spectating.
"Dude, did you see that?" "Cool! I've never seen someone die before!"
I'm just not going to do a tense change count now. It looks like we've switched to present permanently for some reason.
Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.
A thing of bleach? I was unaware that I could get bleach in a "thing". What is this "thing" you speak of? How much bleach does a "thing" hold?
Now here we are at one of the many points that makes me go ape-shit. It would take three seconds to Google if bleach can burn you. Apparently, the author was too lazy to do that, because the truth is, it can only burn you if it's on your skin for a while. I wouldn't advise drinking it, but it's pretty harmless contact as long as it's removed. I'm not sure about the industrial stuff, but hey, what family keeps a container of industrial, flesh-burning bleach open and in a place where it could fall on somebody's head?
Research Is For Losers: 4
Ominous Description: 4
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 47
"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol." Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out.
Here's another instance of the author doing no research. Once again, it would have taken five seconds to Google "is bleach flammable". No, it isn't. Bleach is a water-based product and therefore you have about as much chance of setting it on fire as you have of burning out one of the great lakes!
I have never heard of bleach turning someone's skin white. Ever.
Research Is For Losers: 6
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 49
Why So Tense: 15
I spoke too soon about the tenses.
When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.
"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 50
"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go." This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again."
Oh look, the concerned mother is being ditzy and uncaring again! It really sounds like Jeff is a secondary priority compared to Liu coming home. While I can understand being happy about this, I'd think she'd want to prioritize her son who was nearly burned to death.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 52
Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.
Why So Tense?: 16
"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face.
Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face.
Well, he was set on fire, so I bet he looks something like this:
"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.
Why So Tense?: 17
Nope! I'm not really sure how realistic Freddy is, but I know he's a hell of a lot better than you! The thing that pisses me off the most about this is the hair. Hair is very flammable. If your hair caught on fire, it should not be black! It should be gone!
Research Is For Losers: 7
"Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..."
"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand twitching.
"Uh... Jeff, are you okay?"
"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know.
Why do we need to be reminded of this? It's not like it happened that long ago.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 53
"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?"
"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test."
"That sounds like a load of horseshit to me, doc."
"Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go."
Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.
"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.
The hospital is now a tailor as well, and somehow Jeff's clothes weren't burned despite him being on fire!
Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.
"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother.
That's all? She sounds so unconcerned about this. There's no "OH MY GOD", just "what are you doing". It's like she walked in on him drawing a picture. "Hi, honey! What are you doing?"
Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.
I'd think that slicing your face open would hurt more.
"Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing.
"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face." Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?
If you burn your eyelids, there's very little chance that you're going to come away with no damage to your eyeballs. Also, the function of eyelids is to protect the eyes and keep them clean. If Jeff got rid of his eyelids, he must either be blind by now, or have some really shitty eyesight. He's not that threatening either way. Just poke them if he gets too close.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 54
"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we..." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife.
"Get the gun, Pa! Our son just sliced his face open! Let's put him down!" Ah, the motherly love.
"Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them.
His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip.
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 56
"Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep."
Final Tally:
Paranoid About Paragraphs: 56
Research Is For Losers: 7
Ominous Description: 4
Why So Tense: 18
Grade:
Originality: 2/10 (Just because this was the template all the rip-offs are based on.)
Grammar: 1/10
Pacing: 0/10
Scare Factor: 0/10
Final Thoughts:
